Making Sense of My Life

 College is supposed to be a time of self-discovery, fun, and learning. You discover life is way different outside of high school. The world is so much more diverse than you thought. You finally get to be an adult and chase the career you dreamed of as a child (or you discover that dream was just a dream). 

Due to attachment issues and undiagnosed ADHD, my college experience was not what I described above. Instead of making a lot of friends and going to parties, I tied myself down in monogamous relationships. One after the other. When I should’ve been studying, I was worrying about what my significant other was doing. I was worrying that if I took time to spend with friends or studying, I would miss out on what they were doing. Though I made decent grades, I would’ve made excellent grades if I would’ve studied. I made friends. However, they disappeared due to my attachment issues and my lack of appropriate effort to grow those friendships. I pushed people away. I let my romantic relationships control my entire life. 

I didn’t complete any grad program I attempted because I wanted an instant career. I wanted to be a real adult like my exes were. I thought if I quit and just found a well-paying job, I could be who I wanted and what I wanted in my relationship. I wanted to feel equal. I was wrong. If you know anything about the American economy, a bachelor’s degree in psychology doesn't bring about many job opportunities. The jobs I was offered paid little over minimum wage. This was not the master plan I had in mind. 

If you know any of my exes, you know just how successful they are. Each has high levels of education and amazing jobs. They didn’t let their relationships with me and other people stand in the way of their personal goals. Though I have a good job and am happy with my life, I still wonder what I would be if I would’ve done the work and healed my wounds before jumping into relationships or school. Would I be a nurse practitioner, a counselor, a teacher? Would I be able to maintain true and healthy friendships?

 I am learning to be okay where I am. It is a long and tiring process, though. I still have a huge wall built up when it comes to friendships and putting myself out there. I don’t want to push people away again and them disappear. This is me avoiding heartbreak. But me refusing to break down my wall has had serious consequences. I have lost people that were important to me because I lack the appropriate skills to maintain those friendships. I can blame neurodiversity, but it is truly the result of not enough therapy and lack of effort I put into healing myself. 

As far as a career goes, I still do a lot of soul searching. I currently have a state job with good pay and benefits. However, I eventually want to go back to school and actually complete a program. 

My advice (I hate advice) is to find yourself first before you get into a relationship. Find yourself first before choosing a career. Stick to things even when they are hard, but also remember it is okay to change your mind (yes, I just contradicted myself). Though it is okay to quit something, make sure it is for the right reasons. Looking back, I think I saved my mental health in the moment by walking away from grad school. However, in the long run, I don’t know if it did.