Moving On

 I have been a control freak since I came into this world. I want to know exactly what is going to happen and when it is going to happen. If I am invited somewhere, I have to ask who all will be there, what food will be served, and how long people will stay there. My lack of chill is a turn off to people, I know. It is not easy to be like this every day. It takes away from enjoying the beauty in everyday life. 

These past months have been hard. I have cried and screamed. I have asked God why things don’t seem to work out for me the way I want them to. I see those around me chasing their dreams and having things work out for them. Why can’t that be me? 

 As a child, I knew I wanted to be a nurse. I loved the medical field and wanted to help people feel better. I was a pre-nursing scholar at UAB in 2010. This meant that I had a guaranteed spot when it was time to apply to the program. Fast forward to 2012 when it was time to apply. I freaked out and knew I wasn’t ready for such a commitment. I changed my major to psychology and graduated two years later. In 2015, I thought it was my time to try again to become a nurse. I was accepted to the AMNP program at UAB. In this program, you receive your RN after 3 semesters and go directly into the NP program after the 3 semesters. I made it two semesters and dropped out. I was worn out and overwhelmed. I am in an incredible amount of debt from that program. However, it wasn’t the right time. God knew it wasn’t the right time. 

This Spring, I applied to nursing school at Jeff State. It seemed like the perfect time to become a nurse. The demand was high due to COVID and nursing jobs are mostly secure right now. It was cheaper than all other nursing programs in Birmingham, so of course that was my first choice. In July, I found out I was accepted. I also was awarded a full scholarship. However, that scholarship only covered classes. The director of the program said it isn’t wise to keep a full time job during the program. The classes were also during my work hours. I would have to quit my job immediately. There was no way we could afford to live off of just my wife’s salary. 

As the months have gone by, I have been able to come to a tiny bit of peace about the situation. I still have a hard time passing hospitals or seeing nurses in the store. I wanted to continue with my education to become a NP. I wanted to provide better financially for my family. I have always had dreams of having a big house and a nice car. I know money doesn’t buy happiness, but I am allowed to have wants. I am allowed to want better for myself. I am allowed to work hard to get to where I want to be. 

Maybe I am not meant to be a nurse. Maybe I am meant to be something different. This doesn’t mean I am giving up on my dreams of reaching my potential. It only pushes me to keep trying.