Wishing For Bridesmaids

A lot of people make a large group of close friends in middle school and high school. Those same people often go to college and make more close friends. They join sororities and fraternities. They even meet people at random parties that one day become bridesmaids or groomsmen in their weddings. They are able to make best friends the first day at a new job. I have never been one of those people.  

I never put myself out there or put much effort into making teams or doing sports. I was scared of failure and rejection. There was also a huge secret holding me back. I remember being a small child having crushes on female teachers and famous actresses. I thought my obsessions with different women were normal. However, all of my friends were obsessed with The Backstreet Boys and NSYNC. 

In 10th grade, I realized all of this meant I was gay. I finally got the answer to why I was different than the other girls in school. However, this answer to who I was didn’t make my life any easier. There were only 3 openly gay people in my high school at this time, and this made me feel even more isolated. High school is a critical time for people to make connections and friends. I had a small circle of friends and thankfully, some of those people are still in my life today.  However, I was too ashamed of being gay to put myself out there to make more. I wanted so badly to be in the in-crowd. I wanted people to think highly of me and invite me to parties. I envied the girls that were cheerleaders or on the dance team. They seemed to have it so much easier than I did. They were all straight (this was my assumption). They got to bring their significant others around their families and to the school dances. I felt like I was missing out big time. 

By the time I was in college, I was openly gay. I was able to accept who I was and move on with life.  However, instead of hanging with friends, dating around, or meeting new people, I dove into serious relationships. I had three serious relationships in the 4 years I was in college. I let those relationships control every part of my life. I was so codependent that I couldn’t function unless I was connected to another human. These relationships were not a waste of my time because they taught me how to be who I am today.  However, sometimes I wish I would’ve used time more wisely. I wish I had made more lasting friendships. 

Now, I am accepting more and more each day that I am not meant to have a huge circle of friends. I am more introverted than extroverted. When I am stressed, I want to be in my room with a book. I don’t want to be out at a bar with 500 people. I recharge by being alone. 

I still get jealous of the girls that have 10 bridesmaids in their wedding and go to the beach with their friends. Maybe one day I will have that. However, in the past, I thought I had to have that kind of life to be happy. That thought still crosses my mind occasionally, but I am able to remind myself that I am enough just the way I am.